Some Time Alone?

 

This evening, I’m almost alone in my house. It’s rare, and I’ve missed it. I used to be alone all day,while the kids were in school, and hubby and Ramona out at work.

Now, I work all day, Ramona is retired, the youngest is home from college,not working.  The middle sister is working part time, waiting to hear from grad school, and sleeping her days away.  The eldest girl is attending trade school, and working part time.That’s 6 of us,here at home. A crowd.

I long for time alone, with hubby.

But I’m here now.  Romona is in her apartment, but she comes out once in awhile.  Last time i was upstairs, thankfully. I was lying on  my bed, thinking and relaxing. i heard her apartment door open, instant tension.I hear her shuffle around.  After all,she’s 86.

I feel terrible about the way that I feel about Ramona. I’m supposed to love her, but no one else really does. She adopted me,but i never, ever felt that she was my mother. It was always an uneasy relationship, on both sides.  Last summer my mother was dying. She went into the emergency room in late June, and never left a medical facility.  She died Sept Sept 1, so the memories of last summer and hitting me pretty hard.

Ramona has not mentioned this. I have no idea if it’s even crossed her mind.   Ramona is very concerned with her health problems.  She shares a lot, and my daughters take her to her doctors.  She pays them.  Ramona’s body repulses me.  It always has.  When my mother was in the hospital, she asked to be changed, and middle sister and I helped Mom’s sister roll her over. Sometimes I think Mom planned it.  She was very cagey. All three of us women had our hands on  my mother, the matriarch.  i felt the ancient call of women caring for other family members.  It was a precious and sacred moment, for all of us.Middle sister said, , “Mom,you’ve got her ass!”.  We laughed, in the midst of all the pain.

The youngest said, ‘Mom, it’s almost like you lying there”.  My mother and i shared an uncanny resemblance.  The kind that makes you do a double take, and smile at how clever nature is.  Oh mother, why did you leave me so soon!  I truly barely knew you!

 

And Ramona is still here.  I wish we had never crossed paths.

 

 

One Year Ago

 

One year ago I found out that my mother was dying.  I can’t sleep, and I’m filled with anger and thoughts of my family again.  I checked them out on facebook, again.  I found out that my Aunt Susan has retired after 41 years of teaching art in the public schools.  I found out that my half brother is becoming an uncle, again. I see their lives, 5 years after I  found them.  I see my father, wishing everyone a Happy 4th of July, adding that he’s feeling “happy”.

He told me he was ill and miserable, and not up to contacting anyone. This was a few years ago.  I guess he’s recovered,while my healthy mother has died. I smell a rat.

Will I ever be able to accept that I will never be part of their lives?  I don’t see how.  Every thing I see reminds me of my loss, and how much I long for a connection that I am forever denied.

At times like these, nothing seems to help. I hope this passes soon.