Archives

All posts for the month September, 2018

Kidnapped?

Published September 30, 2018 by maryleesdream

missing-child-585881

 

Lately, I’ve been comparing being adopted to being kidnapped.  I read a book, “The Real Lolita, The Kidnapping of Sally Horner and the Novel That Scandalized the World”.  It was a good book.

The girl who was kidnapped was abused by the kidnapper, and I was not abused by my adoptive parents, but the same sense of being taken against my will has been with me all of my life.  I have always felt like I was not where I was supposed to be.

I was the 6th generation born in my little corner of NYC, but I have no ties to the place where my ancestors lived.  Their bones are buried there, but I’m a stranger to that place.

Like the young girl in the book, I had to comply with my kidnappers , in order to survive.  Unlike Sally, my family was not looking for me. There was no joyful reunion, when I finally was reunited with them.  Their lives were fine without me in them.

I am the only one who felt I was kidnapped.  The rest of the world thinks everything is fine.

 

Advertisements

Positive Adoption Language

Published September 3, 2018 by maryleesdream
POSITIVE LANGUAGE NEGATIVE LANGUAGE
Birth parent Real parent
Biological parent Natural parent
Birth child Own child
My child Adopted child
Born to unmarried parents Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights Give up
Make an adoption plan Give away
To parent To keep
Waiting child Adoptable child
Making contact with Reunion
Parent Adoptive parent
Search Track down parents
Child placed for adoption Unwanted child
Court termination Child taken away
Child with special needs Handicapped child
Was adopted Is adopted
Two years behind in development Retarded (or other descriptive language)
Spinabifida, cleft lip, or other specific condition Deformed
Has disability or is physically challenged Handicapped
Describe specifics–intelligence Normal or grade level
Divorced Broken marriage
Separated from parents or rejected Deserted or abandoned
Is taking Ritalin Hyperactive
Neurological impairment Brain damaged

I can’t stand positive adoption language, or PAL.

It is a tool used by the adoption industry to normalize the act of giving you child away to strangers.  That sounds horrible, because it is!

How much nicer to think a loving mother made an adoption plan, and lovingly placed her newborn in another’s arms, then went on to live a happy, carefree life, sans baby.  What could be better?

Who want to hear of a desperate woman, convinced she will never be good enough for her own child.  Who wants to hear her cries as she walks away from her newborn, breasts still leaking milk, body still battered by childbirth?  The months and years of grief, for both mother and baby?

Much better to use PAL.  No pain in that story!  Whitewashed by new, better language.

How about changing murder to involuntary termination of respiration? Rape:  Unplanned sexual intercourse.  We can make anything palatable, if the language is right.

I was given away, surrendered, relinquished.  It was cruel, brutal and very ugly.  My language reflects that.  Real adoption language reflects the truth.  The horror.