Some Time Alone?

Published July 13, 2016 by maryleesdream

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This evening, I’m almost alone in my house. It’s rare, and I’ve missed it. I used to be alone all day,while the kids were in school, and hubby and Ramona out at work.

Now, I work all day, Ramona is retired, the youngest is home from college,not working.  The middle sister is working part time, waiting to hear from grad school, and sleeping her days away.  The eldest girl is attending trade school, and working part time.That’s 6 of us,here at home. A crowd.

I long for time alone, with hubby.

But I’m here now.  Romona is in her apartment, but she comes out once in awhile.  Last time i was upstairs, thankfully. I was lying on  my bed, thinking and relaxing. i heard her apartment door open, instant tension.I hear her shuffle around.  After all,she’s 86.

I feel terrible about the way that I feel about Ramona. I’m supposed to love her, but no one else really does. She adopted me,but i never, ever felt that she was my mother. It was always an uneasy relationship, on both sides.  Last summer my mother was dying. She went into the emergency room in late June, and never left a medical facility.  She died Sept Sept 1, so the memories of last summer and hitting me pretty hard.

Ramona has not mentioned this. I have no idea if it’s even crossed her mind.   Ramona is very concerned with her health problems.  She shares a lot, and my daughters take her to her doctors.  She pays them.  Ramona’s body repulses me.  It always has.  When my mother was in the hospital, she asked to be changed, and middle sister and I helped Mom’s sister roll her over. Sometimes I think Mom planned it.  She was very cagey. All three of us women had our hands on  my mother, the matriarch.  i felt the ancient call of women caring for other family members.  It was a precious and sacred moment, for all of us.Middle sister said, , “Mom,you’ve got her ass!”.  We laughed, in the midst of all the pain.

The youngest said, ‘Mom, it’s almost like you lying there”.  My mother and i shared an uncanny resemblance.  The kind that makes you do a double take, and smile at how clever nature is.  Oh mother, why did you leave me so soon!  I truly barely knew you!

 

And Ramona is still here.  I wish we had never crossed paths.

 

 

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6 comments on “Some Time Alone?

  • To me no one is supposed to love anyone. Love to me is something that is earned when there is a bond. I know a lot of adoptees and donor conceived people feel obligated to say that they love their parents when deep down they don’t. I get why they don’t come out and say they don’t out of the fear of being called “ungrateful” but wish they were allowed to be more comfortable speaking their truth rather than what others wants their truth to be.

  • be kind to yourself. you’re still processing your mom’s death.

    even though my adoptive mother is self-centered and self-absorbed, i pity her because she is afraid of everything, in reality. i feel guilty that i don’t feel like i necessarily “should” towards her, and there is a lot of resentment there, but nothing like what you have to contend with, because i don’t live with her or even near her. you have to go through so much everyday. it’s good to let it out.

    i don’t really pity my adoptive father though, and i think my sentiments towards him are more similar to maybe to how you feel about Ramona, (wthout the intensity of living with him.) he is smart enough to know better, or he was. he is not afraid of everything, or anything, as near as i can tell. but it is his way or the highway, always has been, and to hell with the fact that i’m different, and in fact he has held that against me. if i were his blood he wouldn’t have, but i’m not. i’m second class. and he doesn’t even realize it, most of the time, it is just all my problem that somehow i’ve created and he has to contend with (projection? deflection? I dunno the correct psych term).

    so you’re not alone. so the situation is not of your causing. so don’t beat yourself up about it. Ramona is lucky that you adopted her as an adult, and that you take care of her. that’s PLENTY, and that is enough, besides which you are mourning for your mother at the same time now. don’t feel you need to give Ramona more. take care of yourself. and enjoy some alone time with your hubby.

      • you know what, good. i can’t say i’m thrilled to be in this boat. but here i am, and you are in yours. but at least some good can come of it, i’m glad to have a perspective that is valid and helpful to you. it’s also very helpful to me to read your blog ! 🙂

  • I wish that Ramona had been nicer to you, then she could be viewed as just an older relative, perhaps a distant one, but generally OK. Was she a pleasant grandmother to your kids? Has she been kind to them and had relationships with them? How do they view her, through the added lens of your experience?

    • She’s a good grandmother. She was not a terrible mother, just narcissistic. She still is.

      She told me she was trying to make up for her past mistakes by being good to my children. I’m glad she’s good to them, but it does not do a thing for the way I feel about her.

      I long for her death, every day and I have for as long as I can remember! I mean even when i was a little girl. She fainted once, while she was on the phone,and I calmly told her I was hanging the phone up, left her lying there and went back to playing. I was 4. Definitely not normal mother/daughter behavior.

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