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All posts for the month March, 2016

My Father

Published March 18, 2016 by maryleesdream

father

 

Now that my mother’s gone, my father is my only living parent.  I think about him a lot.  I have no idea if he thinks about me, but I imagine I must cross his mind from time to time.

He’s 75 now, and lives about 4 hours away, in a small town in a deserted part of the state.  He was born in the same hospital that i was, and grew up in the little borough of NYC where I was conceived and born.  He moved to his current location almost 9 years ago.  He lives with his son and daughter, my half sibs.  They are 19 and 27.

I have never been to his house.  I have never been to my father’s house, though I did drive by once.  My 3rd child attended college not far from where Dad lives, and I couldn’t resist driving by to see the house.  It was nice, neat and spacious, with a built in pool, for his kids.  My father has always lived in a house, and has always had money.  I grew up poor, and lived in apartments, until I bought my own house, with my husband when I was 26.  We still live in the same house, where we raised our 4 children, 3 of whom are still living here!

I don’t know too much about him, firsthand.  I’ve seen him 4 times, the last time was December 2012.  We communicated by email and Facebook message for awhile, but the last communication was a few years ago.

I didn’t hear anything from him, or anyone in his family when my mother died last September.  Two of his sisters, and his niece attended Moms memorial service.  I did not, because I didn’t think I belonged there. My three daughters and my husband went.  My Aunt, dad’s oldest sister, The Matriarch spoke to my children, but his other sister and my cousin did not. This is my cousin D, her mother is the Matriarch.

From my mother’s description, he wasn’t much of a guy.  She said he was s sex addict.  He saw other women regularly when they were together.  He started sleeping with his second wife when she was 14.  She is 4 years younger than me.  I think he was her landlord.  he owned rental properties in our little borough.  He made his money in real estate and inheritance.

When we last communicated, he said he had a mysterious, incurable debilitating disease that has caused him to withdraw from society.  Only him and his doctor know about it.  As far as I know he’s still alive, while my healthy mother died.  I guess the mystery disease is not fatal.

Hi M, this was a very truthful & understanding letter.  I do & did understand your problems, and was soon aware that I could not help.  I’m glad we meet and I saw what a beautiful family you have.  You have everything you need, and you do not need to look back, live for now, and look to the future.  I wish things were different, but it seems what is will probably stay as it is.
I’m going to tell you a little about my life, and maybe you will understand where I’m at now.  First, I am at the worst point of my life, and it doesn’t appear there is chance for an improvement.    There is all kinds of problems with the family here, every day it’s just a mess.  It would take to long to go through all the problems, it involves others not in the family as well.  Then there are health issues, we all have some problems there.  I’ve had a problem for the last few years that are causing me to become extremely reclusive, and it’s untreatable.  I have not spoken to anyone, except doctors,  about this condition and do not plan to.  We are also having financial problems, no one works here, are income is my SS check, and that’s not much.
 I know you feel bad about me not keeping in touch with you, or your family, it’s just difficult under my living conditions.  I do not keep in touch with anyone in my family, except A, she will call every month or so.  I did not wish anyone a Merry Christmas, or a Happy New Year, nor did they to me.  I guess where all on our own, it’s been a couple of years since I’ve seen any of them, and probably be a few more before I do.  I know this is a bunch of stuff you would rather not hear, but maybe it can help you see why I’m not able to be more understanding.  My life is not one you can be inspired by, I’m trying to be as truthful as a can.  I am not looking for sympathy, just hoping you can understand me. Everyday I spend by myself, and it seems like it works best that way.  I’m not depressed, I just accept what is, I try to make things as good as I can, but realize there is only so much I can do.  I take the responsibility for what is, and hope all will work out. 
Not sure how you will take all this, and how much you can understand where I’m at right now.  Sorry for all the wrongs I’ve done in my life, and how it has affected the ones I love.  All I can see for my future is to observe, and hope I can help in someway.
 
Love to you and your family,
Dad   
This was Jan 2014, the last communication from that family.  Earlier, he explained why they gave me up.
M, sorry it took so long. 
 
Your mother got pregnant at a young age, her mother convinced us to get an abortion, she helped us find someone to do the job. We had the abortion. If that child’s soul could have a say, it would be angrier than you are, even more confused and heartbroken than you.
 
I am sorry about all the things I have done in the past, to you, to that baby, to the baby I made my second wife abort, for neglecting the kids I had 25 yrs after you that I kept, but was cold to at times, maybe even because of what I’ve done in the past.. (It hardens people) making these tough life decisions, for the emotions I’ve kept from you all.
 
When we got pregnant with you, we decided to try and make things work between us, even though they were rocky from the start. We liked to drink, party, do drugs, and have multiple partners. Your mother wanted to stay in this lifestyle while she was pregnant with you, and I decided it was not going to work, we would just be two druggies with a neglected child, that would end up worse off than I feel you’ve turned out.
 
I ended up in the hospital about 6 months after we gave you up, from hepatitis from sharing a heroine needle. I almost died, I was in the hospital getting blood transfusions for many months.
 
I can’t change the past, I am old and gray now, and my mind goes at times. I’ve lived with nothing but craziness with your mother, and with the next women to come, and even my children, who at times go through mental problems also. Then again, who hasn’t.
 
I don’t know what to say, at times when I share my emails, it is only to get help how to tell you what I cant say, what I never say. I ask them for help on how to let you know gently things that have happened, when they tell me to tell the truth, I always end up with a meek reply, because I don’t like to put Sandra down, and what point is pointing the finger when what’s done is done.
 
My son and daughter have mixed feelings about the situation, they’ve always known about me having an adopted child, my second wife did also, we always talked about looking for you, wondering if we would find you, if you turned out okay.
 
My children never wanted me to distance myself from you, if I said that, it was just an excuse to keep people from prying into why I don’t respond the way they want me to. Because I don’t even know myself how I should respond.
 
I was mentally ill also, I went with a much younger girl, she moved in, got pregnant, got an abortion, and eventually married me, when she was in early twenties, the marriage was different, we married out of love, not to keep from having a baby out of wedlock. When we had our child, it was a year later. This was a different time in my life. I was a different person, this was a different stage. Just like you will go through stages in life, although they may not be as extreme.
 
I am not sure why anyone would say we would’ve killed you after a year. that is very harsh and I cant even find a way to give that one a response.
 
a few years ago, I got injured on a drug induced trip with your mother, she left me in her apartment bleeding from my head, so she could go back out to bar hop. She can get very angry when she is drunk. From my experience I would avoid drinking with her.
 
This right there is proof that you ended up in a better place. We are both dysfunctional in our own ways, and that is why keeping you would’ve resulted in much more pain and heartache for all three of us, you would have endured the worst being so young.  We were young and naive. We were irresponsible, more so than most people.
 
All I can say is that I’m sorry you feel the way you do, but I honestly still feel it was for the best. We couldn’t pick who you ended up with, but if we could’ve, we would have picked the very best caring people for you, because that is what you deserved.
 
 It is the harsh truth, it is something I wanted to spare you from but your brother and sister felt you should be a part of the reality. They felt I was making it worse for you by not letting you know these things.
 
Truth is, from the beginning I felt you came on a bit strong with the adoption links and all the emails that made me feel like you had strong resentment towards me. It did keep me pushed back a bit because I was a bit reluctant to upset you further. I wanted to just try and keep the peace.
 
It is nothing personal, I haven’t went out of the way to keep you pushed away. I have been a recluse for a long time, I barely visit family, or keep contact. There are many weddings that are going on this year in the family that I am not even going to because I’m too depressed to even bother traveling.
It is hard being near the end of your life, it makes you feel alone, and very mortal, and I’m just at a point in my life where I keep to myself.
 
You have a beautiful family, you would have never met your husband if you hadn’t have been given up, you would never have those same kids, I believe fate has been kind to you, and given you a chance to be happy through their smiles, and their love.
 
 Dad
105486interesting
That gem was from 2012.  I found out that he was showing my messages to his family, and they were all passing these things around.  It was a horrible blow.
My children have never had a grandfather in their lives.  My adoptive father and my husbands father died before they could remember.
In a strange coincidence, my youngest daughters childhood friend, who grew up with our family knows my brother.  They live on the same floor at college.  My father and I both have a kid in college, and my daughter and his are the same age for a few weeks every year.
I look at my fathers family on Facebook.  I can’t help myself.  I saw that my cousin’s daughter was looking into adoption, she posted on Facebook asking for info.
I want to put my feelers out there on something without anyone assuming anything. Does anyone have personal or family experience adopting a child? It is impossible to find any general information on the matter. All I hear is that it is expensive. And impossible. So no need to post on this if you are just going to say it is expensive and impossible without why or details. Looking for real information on domestic and international adoption. Thanks and like I said, I am just looking for general knowledge. O is staying an only child for now.
This young woman is the same age as my oldest daughter and my half sister.  She has a toddler son, and is married and owns a home.  I have no idea why she’s looking into adoption.
I am adopted, I’m her cousin!  I wrote her a letter.  I looked up the address online, and mailed it.  I told her that adoption had been a nightmare for me.  I asked her to consider helping vulnerable women keep their children instead.  I told her adoption was like being separated from her son, forever.
I didn’t make a copy of the letter, so I’m not sure what else I wrote.  I recommended ‘The Primal Wound”, and some websites that I like, http://www.firstmotherforum.com/ and http://www.againstchildtrafficking.org/ and http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/musings-of-the-lame-an-adoption-blog/.
I never received any response.  I’m not surprised.  My father’s family believes in infant adoption.  They think  my feelings are wrong. They think my father did, and continues to do the right thing by me.  She is The Matriarch’s granddaughter, my cousin D’s daughter. This young woman’s mother once told me that there was no reason for my father’s family to question my death!
This Christmas, for the first time since reunion, 5 years ago I didn’t receive a Christmas card from my father’s younger sister.  She was the only one who sent me one.  Maybe this letter made her stop, but I have no idea.
They are a very strong, united family.  There is no room in that family for me, or my children.  And there is nothing I can ever do about it.
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