Life has been puttering along, as it usually does.
I count the months since i last saw my mother. The last time was April 21, 2014. The last email was in May of that year. Soon I’ll be measuring the time in years. I last saw my half brother in November 2013. Same with his young son, my only nephew.
I don’t miss my brother. I never felt anything for him. It wasn’t what i imagined having a brother would feel like.
I do miss my mother. There is nothing else like her. No one else fills that mother shaped hole in my heart. No matter how cruel she is, something inside me wants to see her anyway. But the things she said echo in my mind. It’s something of a relief not to hear them anymore.
I try and stop hoping things will be different, but i can’t.
I bought a bunch of Valium from an online pharmacy. They work pretty good. They let me sleep. They make me calmer. I’m afraid I’ll get addicted, so I make sure I take a few days off from taking them, but I think about taking them the whole time.
Lots of good things happening this month. My oldest daughter is coming to visit from California. I miss her terribly and can’t wait to see her. My middle daughter is graduating from college, and my youngest from High School.
I wish my mother could share these moments with me. Not having her there ruins them for me.
My daughter’s college is not far from where my father lives with his other children, but we won’t be visiting him either. I haven’t seen him since December 2012. Same with his son, who didn’t feel like a brother either. I’ve never met my father’s daughter, who is only a few months younger than my oldest. I probably never will.
Why can’t my parents love me like they love their other children? Why can’t I get over it? I’m middle aged, for Christ sake, why do I wallow in this shit?
I’m supposed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with life. Live for now, count my blessings. Don’t let the past pull me down. I’ve not had a lot of luck with that, hence the new Valium habit.