Another early morning. I couldn’t sleep again. This time it’s OK, because I’m on vacation this week! I can catch up on my sleep anytime this week.
I have been upset about something bio Aunt S said to me recently. It really steamed my clams, and I’m trying to analyze my feelings, as usual. I always wonder, why does it hurt so much? Am I being unreasonable?
Bio Aunt S and I made contact when she did 23 and me DNA, and we connected as relatives. I reached out to her, and we had a brief email exchange. I have not had much communication with my bio family. It’s been years since I spoke to Aunt S.
Aunt S said this in her email “I do see your dad a couple of times per year. I love him, “warts and all”, and I cannot speak for him or comment on his choices.”. This is what has been bothering me.
I have not seen my father since Christmas 2012. He has chosen to have no contact with me, or my 4 children. His kept daughter recently had a baby, who I think lives with him. The fact that Aunt S, dad’s sister loves and accepts my father’s decision to exile me hurts me deeply.
I do not feel any love, kindness or acceptance towards me in the statement my aunt made. I know siblings love each other, and are loyal, but is putting family members on a pedestal doing the right thing? Dad is loved, “warts and all”, but I am still shunned. It hurts so much. I will shove it down into my psyche, and get over it, but it will never stop hurting. The pain will just subside over time to a dull ache, which will flare up from time to time, when I am reminded of my losses.