The Thing About Blogs

Published September 14, 2016 by maryleesdream

 

BLOG on speech bubble price labels

 

Well, I made a big boo boo.  I showed my blog to a bio family member.  It did not go well.  All they saw was anger and hatred, on my part.  Nothing at all of the pain that I’ve gone through.  They told me, repeatedly that I was harboring hatred, and that I hated my entire bio family.  I do not.  I don’t even know my entire bio family! ( that’s a joke)  I do know that they haven’t lived up to my expectations, but then again, I haven’t lived up to theirs either.

ISA, Infant Stranger Adoption changes everything about a family.  It removes a child, like surgery, and the wound that removal causes heals.  Scar tissue forms.  Life goes on.  When that person finds their family, no one knows what to do. There is fear, a lot of fear, on both sides.  Here are my mother, father, brothers sisters, aunts Uncles and cousins. but they are all strangers.  And I’m a stranger to them.

I wanted them to treat me as if I had been kidnapped, and finally found alive.  I wanted them to fuss over me, show me off, invite me over.

But, with ISA, there is also shame.  A kidnap is not voluntary, ISA is.  My parents made a decision to give me to strangers.  It was not random.  I was not taken.  There is guilt involved.

When I blog, there is usually a reason, a trigger.  I don’t do it that often.  The trigger is usually negative, something that made me feel hurt, and I use my blog as a way to get over it, to get it out of my system.  So, most of my blog posts are angry, or hurt, or mostly both.

That does not mean that I am angry all the time.  I’m just not.  I actually have a real life, full of good things.  I guess if you read my blog, that may not show.  My blog was written over years, but reading it all at once may be overwhelming, especially to someone who has lived a happy life.

Letting my family read it was a very bad idea.  They think I’m bad enough already.

 

 

 

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5 comments on “The Thing About Blogs

  • There are many people who feel like exposing and protesting institutional and society based oppression and violence is just that particular person being angry or obsessive. Been thru that with the black lives matter issue…I think they truly have no model of reality except a bunch of individuals making choices in a vacuum. They really don’t even understand any issues beyond the interpersonal.

  • sorry 😦 wish they saw what you wanted them to see.

    does your bio family have any experience reading adoptee blogs at all? i dunno the details of your situation, but if they have no familiarity with adoptee blogs and then like you say, suddenly have access to years of your blog to read at one sitting, it may be overwhelming – i can completely understand what you’re getting at.

    do you have the option to revert some posts to draft status, so that they do not show on your blog? just asking. i have gone through my blog a few times after a certain line of thinking has been exhausted, and purged the blog by reverting some things to draft. i do this in case a family member ever does come across the blog, so that they wont be overwhelmed by the sheer number of posts, or any one post that seems particularly sensitive. just an idea, if it is applicable, then use it to your advantage.

    reading first mother blogs can also give the impression of bitterness, anger, and although it can be more straightforward to empathize with the anger of a first mother than with an adoptee (maybe) it can help round out a perspective on the whole issue, and what blogging about this type of emotionally charged topics might seem like, despite the fact that all of us, mothers and adoptees (and fathers although i have seen no father blogs) mostly go about normal lives otherwise.

    i wish i could offer something more helpful or more consoling. but i do feel for your situation. wish you the best.

    • Thank you. My bio family has no experience with adoption, or adoptee blogs or feelings. I am the one and only adoptee in the family, but hey all know lots of adopted people who are so very happy!
      They know many more adopted people than I do.

      Yes, it’s hard to see that we all do lead pretty normal lives when you read our blogs sometimes. A few blog post per year is not a big chunk of life. Most of the time I’m working, making dinner, washing clothes, all the regular stuff.

  • Well, as they say, you’ve got the right my friend – to your OWN feelings, opinions and point of view. You have every right to your feelings as they are well-founded for you, which no one else could understand who had not been adopted. That is a fact. Although I was not adopted, I do know what it is like to be very angry or even hate a parent. In my family any feelings of anger that I had toward my father were simply not acceptable and pretty much just waved away, and even sometimes made fun of. I heard it all – I was hostile, hard-hearted, etc. etc. ad nauseum, and always as a last resort, described as “just like Mom”, our mother who suffered from madness, and instead of being treated for illness, was completely shut out of the family (and me with her). Never were my feelings given any validation at all, but yet , , , it seems , , , that a person can’t be wrong 100% of the time.

    I don’t think you hate your father but it sounds like you do not respect him. I completely understand that, as I had similar feelings toward my father, and I told him that I didn’t respect him and waa not proud of being a child of his. My siblings would not give me credit for having a perspective, and they interpreted this as something they should fear and avoid. Unfortunately there are politics everywhere and in families, especially since the setup is patriarchal. Any complaints against dear old dad are not welcome or tolerated.

    I’m sorry that you have received such bad letters from them if your bio family, and I hope that you can not let them bother you too much. Anger is not well-received, especially when everyone knows that the situation is just so wrong, and they may have guilt about it. As for blogging, I feel bad that I haven’t updated mine, it makes me feel very bad to read my writing. And I worry that I may say something that might hurt people who read it. I am not at peace yet with how my writing may be perceived. But I think it’s good that you have put your thoughts down, it is cathartic and can help. Well, screw them I hate to say, but sadly that may be your only option. But you didn’t bring it about, if they can’t handle the truth as you see it, more is the pity for them, I think.

    Just recently I have realized that my older siblings (I met them as an adult), never said anything like “you’re so pretty,” “you’re so intelligent”, or anything like that. Never a compliment about anything, never any support on any situation, just criticism and treating me like a liability for them, rather than an asset. Was this your experience, also? That’s the easy road to follow, for people who are basically cowards and will not acknowledge that anything has happened that is just not right. Best wishes, I support you 100%

  • These comments have helped me a lot. My siblings did not seem to care for me very much. I showed them what their mother and father are truly capable of. If my parents could give me away, then they were capable of giving them away as well. Not a pleasant thought for them, I’m sure.

    I know family problems are universal, not just for adopted people.

    Talking to my cousin brought a lot of feeling back. I really think we would have gotten along if we had known each other. My younger adoptive cousins adored me when we were kids. So much lost!

    It’s a beautiful fall evening here, with a full harvest moon. Have a wonderful weekend! Thanks again for all your kindness and support. Your pain did not make you mean, it made you understanding.

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