I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what makes a person good, or bad.
No one is all good, or all bad. I think it’s a matter of perception.
I have been communicating with a paternal cousin, only through Facebook. We have never met in person. She is a few years younger than me, and grew up surrounded by our extended family. I was touched when she said that she was sorry about what happened to me. No one in my father’s family has ever expressed any remorse about my being given away.
I told her that I thought my father was a bad guy, and she assured me that her Uncle was not a bad guy. He just made mistakes, and she was not going to judge him based on that.
That’s fair enough, but it’s a little different for me. I am one of the mistakes that he made, and his choices affected my life in every way. To me, he is the very essence of evil. An entitled man, who liked to stick his dick in women (and sometimes children, if you count 14 yr old girls) with no care at all for what his actions produced. He left dead and abandoned children in his horny wake. He gave me the same amount of care that he would a tissue that he jizzed in. Just throw it away, and don’t think about it any more.
I also shared that my father’s family does not speak to me, and my cousin told me that there had to be a good reason, because they were good people also, who would never turn on someone for no reason.
Maybe she’s right about that too. Maybe they are good people, and I did something wrong. I’m not the most diplomatic person in the world, after all. I definitely said things that were very hard to hear, but what did I really, ever do to anyone, besides being born at the wrong time, to the wrong woman?
Where she sees good, loving family, I see cold unforgiving strangers. We are blood but I am different because my father put me outside of the family, and his blood is better than mine.
It’s all a matter of perception.
If my father is a good man, who made some mistakes as a callow youth, why does he still shun me and his grandchildren? Why doesn’t he try and atone for his mistakes? Are these the actions of a good man?
Why didn’t he say anything to me when my mother died? Does anyone know how much that good man, and his good family has hurt me?
If they are such good people, why can’t I see it? Why are they hiding their goodness from me? They seem to love each other, why don’t they love me, their cousin, their niece, their daughter?
Maybe it’s me who is the bad person, unable to forgive and forget. Maybe that’s why I deserve this.