Many adoptees write about father’s day. Mother’s day too. They are hard days for many of us.
I dreamt of my father the other day. We were on vacation sleeping in an RV, on the beach when a seagull woke us. He was on the roof,and we could hear his claws scratching. He tried to get in through the skylight! It was kinda funny,and it woke me out of a sound sleep, in the middle of a dream.
In the dream, I complained that my father never gave me a birthday gift, or any gift at all. The person I was complaining to said she never got gifts either, and I said, “but it was the same for all your brothers and sisters too. My father gives gifts to his other children,just not to me”.
In the early days of reunion, I sent my father father’s day cards, and had my children sign cards for their only grandfather. I stopped after 2 years, because i realized that my father does not consider me to be his child,and doesn’t consider my 4 children his grandchildren.He’s content with the ones he kept.They were born from the right woman,at the right time,unlike me.
My father has the legal right to disown me, completely and totally. He signed his rights away,and I’m not his daughter. Not next of kin, not anything at all, even though I am his first born. Even though his parents are my grandparents. Even though every relative he has, I have too.
None of that matters. He didn’t want me, so he’s not my father. Simple as that.
I hate my father.