Adoption

Published June 8, 2016 by maryleesdream

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This is how I feel about adoption, and loyalty. In my case, it was not necessary. If my parents could manage to parent other kids,they could have parented me too. It might not have been heaven,but neither is being given up for adoption. It’s harsh, people. It’s the ultimate disrespect and rejection. your own mother, for goodness sakes. Maternal abandonment, the stuff of nightmares and madness.

And you’re supposed to like it. No matter how open,and whatever words are sid, you are supposed to love your adoptive parents. It’s practically an order. They took you in, orphan waif that your mother made you, and housed you, and brought you up to be proper, a step above your humble beginnings. A little leg up in the world, for lucky you.

I didn’t like it. It seemed like a raw deal. I’d rather live in squalor,with my own dear mother,then live in a palace with strangers, having to pretend to be their kid. Yuck. No thanks, but i have no choice, do i, because I am an orphan waif, thanks again Mom, and I have to take whatever you’re dishing out in order to stay alive.

I guess that seems harsh but I just don’t see how people can adopt. once they do that,they seem bad and kinda evil to me. how can you take the child of a living woman, and make it call you mother? What gives you the right?

So,my adoptive mother is evil. My natural mother is bad too,she gives away her babies.

It’s very splitting.

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22 comments on “Adoption

  • As someone who considered adopting I can explain how people can adopt. I don’t expect you to agree with it but I’ll do my best to help you better understand the mindset of the other side. I also don’t want you to feel sorry for my situation.

    For me wanting to adopt at the time was about the desire to become a parent and share a bond with a child watching them grow up doing my best to help them become a well adjusted adult knowing that I had made a difference in their life. When I found out I wasn’t able to have kids I felt like I was less of a person that there was a reason I wasn’t able to have kids because there was something wrong with me that shouldn’t be passed down to the next generation. I felt that by adopting I could overcome my disability just as I had with my learning disability to prove that I could make a difference in a child who grew up into an adult’s life. That my passion for things I loved would help that person have passion for things they loved regardless of whether they were things I loved.

    From a societal standpoint we are told being a parent is the most important job and most rewarding job in the world and that those who aren’t parents aren’t nearly as important. We are told families are made up of two adults and children. We are told that parents are selfless and non parents are selfish. We are told that you don’t become a real adult until you have kids.

    This is what is driving the demand in adoption. I don’t expect you to agree with it.

  • I’m not on a witch hunt, so my response is not directed at GSMWC02, but rather toward the points she presented.
    Adoption, as it’s been dished out for decades, is said to be about “the best interest of the child”. This phrase is spooned to the potential birth mother, and riddled over related paperwork and laws. Adoption is removal of child from it’s natural mother. Commonly due to a lack of resources, often translated into “ability to raise the child”. This is code for a support system, which breaks down further to money & time. If the money pouring into the adoption system, were allocated to support/guide/train the birth mother, and mother was given time to stabilize under that support, there would be no need to separate child from mother. This doesn’t happen, most simply because of supply/demand, leaving the child itself as a commodity that drives profits of the adoption industry. Nothing about this is in best interest of child. It is in best interest of those demanding supply, and brokers facilitating that need. The above sentiment from GSMWC02 offers some of those needs/drivers. Take note that all points brought, stem from a personal desire….

    ” desire to become a parent”… “I was less of a person”…. “overcome my disability”…. “prove I could make a difference” … “(non) parents aren’t nearly as important” … “non parents are selfish”…. “a real adult until you have kids”
    By her own words… “This is what is driving demand…”

    EVERY point was about the adopting parent, and not “best interest of child”. If the industry wants to continue using such language, and laws are built on the same premise, then let’s ensure that adoption practices are TRULY in the child’s best interest. This begins by taking steps toward preserving mother/child union, and removing the inherent profit motive CAUSED by adoptive parent demand. IF the motives of the adoptive parent are NOT fully “in best interest of the child”, there should be no adoption. If the adoptive parents TRULY want to give of themselves, our foster systems are overflowing with in-need children. This is where a giving heart can really contribute. Infant adoptions are more about the person adopting, than the child itself. The message of “best interest of the child”, is empty at best, and a purposeful deception at worst. This is the truth in adoption. I don’t expect you to agree with it.

    • Yes, of course we understand why people adopt, but it’s hard to understand how they can live with themselves. How they can justify taking a child from it’s mother’s arms. It’s despicable, but society sees it as beautiful.

      How did we get to this point? How did we, as a society come to think newborn abandonment is a good thing?

    • First of all I’m a man not a woman. Secondly I was just responding to Marylee’s question that she doesn’t know how people can adopt. It wasn’t about any other issues in adoption. It wasn’t to say adoption should be about the parents and giving babies to people who want them and saying that it’s ok. All I was trying to explain what would drive a person to adopt.

      • If adoption is being considered, it should come from a selfless standing. The child NEEDS a caregiver, not the caregiver wants a child.
        To establish such a need, all avenues of keeping child within biological family should be explored. If not possible, the in-need child is considered for adoption. Efforts to maintain some kind of contact with bio family should be mandated, to whatever level is safe for well being of said child.

        The above excludes newborn adoptions, as in most cases the reason to relinquish are lacking support for mother. There will be cases where the mother TRULY is not ready to parent, but an adoption agency is NOT the source to help her clearly define that decision. A temporary/foster situation can be created to allow mother time/info/support before making final decision to not parent. Once confirmed, circle to above process. (Bio fam options, in-need status confirmed, etc)

        I fully understand WHY people want to adopt. Many reasons were shared here. What those same people fail to consider, is their desire to parent can only be satisfied through the trauma of a child being separated from mother. A situation commonly NOT of the mothers choice, but rather forced upon her by external pressures and manipulation.

        If potential parents truly knew what brought them the opportunity to adopt a newborn child, most could not in good faith continue. I would think if anyone could understand forcefully loosing ones child, it would be those experiencing the loss of a child they never concieved. The shattered dream for them, is a nightmare for the birth mother. But this is not openly discussed.

        Ignorance plays a strong role here. The adoption industry does not share these painful truths. THIS is how people can adopt newborn children. The only form of adoption, should be via a foster situation where the “best interest of the child” is to NOT be parented by it’s biological family, and proven as such only after much effort. That is NOT how most of todays domestic adoptions happen. They are newborns, contracted prior to birth, to the legal handling of strangers. Strangers who adopt for personal reasons, NOT for childs best interest.

        I am adopted. My birth mother was married w/ children. I was product of an affair. There are situations the SEEM to confirm adoption is the best course. But those situations are usually temporary. I can’t say if I am better off because of the permanent solution my birth mother chose. But I can say, adoption is not the warm and happy solution gen pop thinks it is.

      • Again I’m not arguing against what you are saying all I am doing is explaining why PAPs who come from infertility adopt. That’s not a dismissal of adoptees and how they feel or what parents who lose their children to adoption go through.

  • I guess I was lucky, in a way. My adoptive mom isn’t evil. I wasn’t placed though an agency and my biological mother said, during our ill fated reunion, that she had “plans” and they didn’t include an inconvenient baby. I guess I was even luckier she found out she was pregnant and couldn’t get the money together for an abortion until it was too late. :/ After being placed in foster care, I was adopted. Maybe the circumstances matter, a couple who waited on an agency list versus a foster care adoption.

  • I do think foster care adoption is different than infant adoption. My adoptive mother wanted womb wet only. She actually turned down a little boy, about 1 year before she got me,because he was too old. He was 1. She wanted to pass off a newborn as her own.

    Very sick stuff.

  • I am not adopted nor a birthmom, but learning from both has instilled in me that should I ever face another unexpected pregnancy, adoption is not even an option. I feel the least I can do, which isnt much, is not continue this pain. I am so sorry you’ve had to endure this.

      • I’m sure she did not. But you have, and that’s what needs to be the focus now. Anyone who says, including ur dad (biological father? I’m sorry, I’ve been captivated by your writing all week since I found your blog but am totally blanking on what you prefer to call him since I should really be in bed right now) that “you would have had a terrible upbringing!!” Is ignoring the fact that there is no way for you to know that. Of course I’m sure guilt eats away at him and that’s a defense mechanism. I hope one day the impact of providing a loving environment to your own kids is truly felt-everything was against you but you still pulled through and provided a great mom to your kids and great wife to your husband, they are quite blessed. Wish I could help your pain more, and hope you know it’s people like you who are preventing this from happening again-by allowing us to hear your side, and given some of the responses you’ve gotten, you’ve hit a nerve and I don’t doubt children have been saved from this pain because of your courage. Thank you, and sending all my love and support.

      • Oh and not to be a complete weirdo but getting a reply from someone whom I admire endlessly has been so freaking amazing. I hope you keep writing!

      • Oh geez I had left a long reply about how admirable and strong you are but I guess it never gotten posted. Darn it! Thank you for sharing your much needed voice, I am honored to even be able to leave a comment on your blog!

      • I just re read your comments, and I want to thank you so much for your kind words. I just try and write what i feel.

        Still haven’t heard from my father, it’s been years now. I don’t think i ever will. As far as I know he’s still alive.

  • “I guess that seems harsh but I just don’t see how people can adopt. once they do that,they seem bad and kinda evil to me. how can you take the child of a living woman, and make it call you mother? What gives you the right?”- I can totally agree with this statement as well as the rest of your post. Adoptive parents are a trigger to me but there are a few I’ve gotten close to and I’m basically happy they want to know me and my story so they can understand what their adoptive kids might go through. So many dynamics! You aren’t alone! ♡

  • “How can you take the child of a living woman, and make it call you mother? What gives you the right?”
    Baby Scoop Era social workers, that’s what. These women who were so desperate to legitimize (no pun intended) their so-called profession that they co-opted a system that worked for mothers and babies, injected their education and “professionalism” into it, and created the largest social engineering experiment in the history of the world. We were all sold a bill of goods by them – adoptive parents who took us home and expected us to be “as if born” to them; surrendering mothers who were told that this was just a detour in their lives that they would eventually forget, and we adoptees who are only now getting to acknowledge, at least to each other, that we were not lucky, chosen or special after all. What gave them the right to coerce others to give up their rights? That’s what I’d like to know.

    • Thanks for your comments.I’d like to know a lot of things regarding ISA (Infant Stranger Adoption). I read that term somewhere, and I like it.ISA sounds like a bad thing,and that’s what infant stranger adoption is.

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