April 21, 2014. The last time I saw my mother, outside of the hospital, where she died.
I was on a leave of absence from my job, because of health issues. I was only allowed to communicate with my mother in person, at a place of her choosing. I decided I would go see her, on her home turf.
We went to her apartment, for a few minutes then walked the Highline, down to 14th street. We were hungry, so we decided to get a bite to eat. I spotted the Gaslight Cafe, and thought, brilliant! I’ve been gaslighted, and so was Mom. I tried to explain what gaslighting was, but I’m not sure if she understood. She was smart, maybe she didn’t want to understand. I made her very uncomfortable. We sat on one of the couches, the furthest one, in the picture, or the one before it. I paid for lunch.
We had a nice lunch. As we were leaving, Mom got a phone call. It was from her friend Greg. She spoke for a few minutes. She said, “oh, you need me to help you now?, OK”.
Greg needed her help with a drag costume. On the day she met with her adopted out daughter, who she hadn’t seen in over a year. I felt that the call was pre planned. I could just tell by her voice, and attitude. I didn’t know my mother very well, but some things came through loud and clear .
I think she told Greg to call her at a certain time, so she could have an excuse to get rid of me. I’ll never know if that was true, but I could feel it in my bones. I had a connection to Mom in a mysterious way.
I said, “sure Mom, OK”. I got in a taxi and went home. The next time I saw her, it was 15 months later and she was in Bellevue. As soon as I saw her in that bed, I knew she was going to die.
I miss her, but she was scary, and mean. I wish we had more time, and that she could have seen me as her daughter, not someone who was out to destroy her.