My Father

Published March 18, 2016 by maryleesdream

father

 

Now that my mother’s gone, my father is my only living parent.  I think about him a lot.  I have no idea if he thinks about me, but I imagine I must cross his mind from time to time.

He’s 75 now, and lives about 4 hours away, in a small town in a deserted part of the state.  He was born in the same hospital that i was, and grew up in the little borough of NYC where I was conceived and born.  He moved to his current location almost 9 years ago.  He lives with his son and daughter, my half sibs.  They are 19 and 27.

I have never been to his house.  I have never been to my father’s house, though I did drive by once.  My 3rd child attended college not far from where Dad lives, and I couldn’t resist driving by to see the house.  It was nice, neat and spacious, with a built in pool, for his kids.  My father has always lived in a house, and has always had money.  I grew up poor, and lived in apartments, until I bought my own house, with my husband when I was 26.  We still live in the same house, where we raised our 4 children, 3 of whom are still living here!

I don’t know too much about him, firsthand.  I’ve seen him 4 times, the last time was December 2012.  We communicated by email and Facebook message for awhile, but the last communication was a few years ago.

I didn’t hear anything from him, or anyone in his family when my mother died last September.  Two of his sisters, and his niece attended Moms memorial service.  I did not, because I didn’t think I belonged there. My three daughters and my husband went.  My Aunt, dad’s oldest sister, The Matriarch spoke to my children, but his other sister and my cousin did not. This is my cousin D, her mother is the Matriarch.

From my mother’s description, he wasn’t much of a guy.  She said he was s sex addict.  He saw other women regularly when they were together.  He started sleeping with his second wife when she was 14.  She is 4 years younger than me.  I think he was her landlord.  he owned rental properties in our little borough.  He made his money in real estate and inheritance.

When we last communicated, he said he had a mysterious, incurable debilitating disease that has caused him to withdraw from society.  Only him and his doctor know about it.  As far as I know he’s still alive, while my healthy mother died.  I guess the mystery disease is not fatal.

Hi M, this was a very truthful & understanding letter.  I do & did understand your problems, and was soon aware that I could not help.  I’m glad we meet and I saw what a beautiful family you have.  You have everything you need, and you do not need to look back, live for now, and look to the future.  I wish things were different, but it seems what is will probably stay as it is.
I’m going to tell you a little about my life, and maybe you will understand where I’m at now.  First, I am at the worst point of my life, and it doesn’t appear there is chance for an improvement.    There is all kinds of problems with the family here, every day it’s just a mess.  It would take to long to go through all the problems, it involves others not in the family as well.  Then there are health issues, we all have some problems there.  I’ve had a problem for the last few years that are causing me to become extremely reclusive, and it’s untreatable.  I have not spoken to anyone, except doctors,  about this condition and do not plan to.  We are also having financial problems, no one works here, are income is my SS check, and that’s not much.
 I know you feel bad about me not keeping in touch with you, or your family, it’s just difficult under my living conditions.  I do not keep in touch with anyone in my family, except A, she will call every month or so.  I did not wish anyone a Merry Christmas, or a Happy New Year, nor did they to me.  I guess where all on our own, it’s been a couple of years since I’ve seen any of them, and probably be a few more before I do.  I know this is a bunch of stuff you would rather not hear, but maybe it can help you see why I’m not able to be more understanding.  My life is not one you can be inspired by, I’m trying to be as truthful as a can.  I am not looking for sympathy, just hoping you can understand me. Everyday I spend by myself, and it seems like it works best that way.  I’m not depressed, I just accept what is, I try to make things as good as I can, but realize there is only so much I can do.  I take the responsibility for what is, and hope all will work out. 
Not sure how you will take all this, and how much you can understand where I’m at right now.  Sorry for all the wrongs I’ve done in my life, and how it has affected the ones I love.  All I can see for my future is to observe, and hope I can help in someway.
 
Love to you and your family,
Dad   
This was Jan 2014, the last communication from that family.  Earlier, he explained why they gave me up.
M, sorry it took so long. 
 
Your mother got pregnant at a young age, her mother convinced us to get an abortion, she helped us find someone to do the job. We had the abortion. If that child’s soul could have a say, it would be angrier than you are, even more confused and heartbroken than you.
 
I am sorry about all the things I have done in the past, to you, to that baby, to the baby I made my second wife abort, for neglecting the kids I had 25 yrs after you that I kept, but was cold to at times, maybe even because of what I’ve done in the past.. (It hardens people) making these tough life decisions, for the emotions I’ve kept from you all.
 
When we got pregnant with you, we decided to try and make things work between us, even though they were rocky from the start. We liked to drink, party, do drugs, and have multiple partners. Your mother wanted to stay in this lifestyle while she was pregnant with you, and I decided it was not going to work, we would just be two druggies with a neglected child, that would end up worse off than I feel you’ve turned out.
 
I ended up in the hospital about 6 months after we gave you up, from hepatitis from sharing a heroine needle. I almost died, I was in the hospital getting blood transfusions for many months.
 
I can’t change the past, I am old and gray now, and my mind goes at times. I’ve lived with nothing but craziness with your mother, and with the next women to come, and even my children, who at times go through mental problems also. Then again, who hasn’t.
 
I don’t know what to say, at times when I share my emails, it is only to get help how to tell you what I cant say, what I never say. I ask them for help on how to let you know gently things that have happened, when they tell me to tell the truth, I always end up with a meek reply, because I don’t like to put Sandra down, and what point is pointing the finger when what’s done is done.
 
My son and daughter have mixed feelings about the situation, they’ve always known about me having an adopted child, my second wife did also, we always talked about looking for you, wondering if we would find you, if you turned out okay.
 
My children never wanted me to distance myself from you, if I said that, it was just an excuse to keep people from prying into why I don’t respond the way they want me to. Because I don’t even know myself how I should respond.
 
I was mentally ill also, I went with a much younger girl, she moved in, got pregnant, got an abortion, and eventually married me, when she was in early twenties, the marriage was different, we married out of love, not to keep from having a baby out of wedlock. When we had our child, it was a year later. This was a different time in my life. I was a different person, this was a different stage. Just like you will go through stages in life, although they may not be as extreme.
 
I am not sure why anyone would say we would’ve killed you after a year. that is very harsh and I cant even find a way to give that one a response.
 
a few years ago, I got injured on a drug induced trip with your mother, she left me in her apartment bleeding from my head, so she could go back out to bar hop. She can get very angry when she is drunk. From my experience I would avoid drinking with her.
 
This right there is proof that you ended up in a better place. We are both dysfunctional in our own ways, and that is why keeping you would’ve resulted in much more pain and heartache for all three of us, you would have endured the worst being so young.  We were young and naive. We were irresponsible, more so than most people.
 
All I can say is that I’m sorry you feel the way you do, but I honestly still feel it was for the best. We couldn’t pick who you ended up with, but if we could’ve, we would have picked the very best caring people for you, because that is what you deserved.
 
 It is the harsh truth, it is something I wanted to spare you from but your brother and sister felt you should be a part of the reality. They felt I was making it worse for you by not letting you know these things.
 
Truth is, from the beginning I felt you came on a bit strong with the adoption links and all the emails that made me feel like you had strong resentment towards me. It did keep me pushed back a bit because I was a bit reluctant to upset you further. I wanted to just try and keep the peace.
 
It is nothing personal, I haven’t went out of the way to keep you pushed away. I have been a recluse for a long time, I barely visit family, or keep contact. There are many weddings that are going on this year in the family that I am not even going to because I’m too depressed to even bother traveling.
It is hard being near the end of your life, it makes you feel alone, and very mortal, and I’m just at a point in my life where I keep to myself.
 
You have a beautiful family, you would have never met your husband if you hadn’t have been given up, you would never have those same kids, I believe fate has been kind to you, and given you a chance to be happy through their smiles, and their love.
 
 Dad
105486interesting
That gem was from 2012.  I found out that he was showing my messages to his family, and they were all passing these things around.  It was a horrible blow.
My children have never had a grandfather in their lives.  My adoptive father and my husbands father died before they could remember.
In a strange coincidence, my youngest daughters childhood friend, who grew up with our family knows my brother.  They live on the same floor at college.  My father and I both have a kid in college, and my daughter and his are the same age for a few weeks every year.
I look at my fathers family on Facebook.  I can’t help myself.  I saw that my cousin’s daughter was looking into adoption, she posted on Facebook asking for info.
I want to put my feelers out there on something without anyone assuming anything. Does anyone have personal or family experience adopting a child? It is impossible to find any general information on the matter. All I hear is that it is expensive. And impossible. So no need to post on this if you are just going to say it is expensive and impossible without why or details. Looking for real information on domestic and international adoption. Thanks and like I said, I am just looking for general knowledge. O is staying an only child for now.
This young woman is the same age as my oldest daughter and my half sister.  She has a toddler son, and is married and owns a home.  I have no idea why she’s looking into adoption.
I am adopted, I’m her cousin!  I wrote her a letter.  I looked up the address online, and mailed it.  I told her that adoption had been a nightmare for me.  I asked her to consider helping vulnerable women keep their children instead.  I told her adoption was like being separated from her son, forever.
I didn’t make a copy of the letter, so I’m not sure what else I wrote.  I recommended ‘The Primal Wound”, and some websites that I like, http://www.firstmotherforum.com/ and http://www.againstchildtrafficking.org/ and http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/musings-of-the-lame-an-adoption-blog/.
I never received any response.  I’m not surprised.  My father’s family believes in infant adoption.  They think  my feelings are wrong. They think my father did, and continues to do the right thing by me.  She is The Matriarch’s granddaughter, my cousin D’s daughter. This young woman’s mother once told me that there was no reason for my father’s family to question my death!
This Christmas, for the first time since reunion, 5 years ago I didn’t receive a Christmas card from my father’s younger sister.  She was the only one who sent me one.  Maybe this letter made her stop, but I have no idea.
They are a very strong, united family.  There is no room in that family for me, or my children.  And there is nothing I can ever do about it.
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6 comments on “My Father

  • Hi: It’s New and Old from FMF!

    I am so sad about your situation with your birth father, and even sadder to see you hurting, because of this fellow. I know it’s easy to say, but I don’t have a very high opinion of him, after seeing his emails. He is trying very hard to say that he isn’t available to you, although it sounds like he’s trying to be honest. He’s trying a bit too hard, I think, and I don’t respect him for that. He is not worth any tears. I know it sounds trite.

    So sorry about the recent death of your mother, and I’m glad that you have a nice husband and 3 beautiful children. I’m so glad you weren’t there during your birth parents’ druggy and dangerous escapades. What do your husband and kids think of these relatives, who have not treated you very well? Are they supportive of you, seeing that their mother is hurting so much? I hope so, it sounds like they are, and if they are stable people (thanks to your good upbringing of them and companionship), that is a great blessing in the face of these other birth relatives, who are not.

    Best wishes to you, M, I’ve wanted for a long time to comment on one of your older posts – but was worried that it may be more hurtful than helpful. But I will this weekend, I hope to help and support. As an outsider to your situation and a birthmother myself, maybe there’s something I can point out that might not be obvious to you, since you’re on the inside.

  • Thanks for your comments. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, you should hear some of the horrible things I’ve been told, and most of them by my own family!

    My husband and children share my pain, they keep me from losing my mind. My family rejected them too, and it hurts them. I’ve spoken up, but my kids never did anything to anyone.

    I have no respect for my father, I think hes a piece of crap who used my mother and tossed both of us aside. He could have stepped up and taken responsibility, or at least asked his parents for help.

  • ” He could have stepped up and taken responsibility, or at least asked his parents for help.”

    I feel exactly the same way about my father. My mother desperately wanted to keep me. She actually never got over the losing me. My father could have acted like the adult he was, a man in his late 30s, hardly a kid. But he chose not to tell anyone in his/our family and insisted that my mother give me up. He held the power to have made things turn out differently.

  • M, I’ve been thinking about you and I’ve had a few things to say, but just never sure about whether I’m out of line or not, if so, feel free to say so.

    I won’t dump on your father’s letter, as it isn’t fair, although it’s extremely tempting 🙂 and would be so easy :). But in my experience in life, what people did long ago was one thing, the way they treat you today – is another thing and can be even worse. It’s extremely interesting that your dad had his worst.time.ever. as his lost daughter appears on the scene and makes it a point to say that he doesn’t have any money. The recent bad luck of this fellow is extraordinary, to say the least – no money, no desire to visit with anyone, etc. Woe is he! But on the other hand, he deserves some credit for writing fairly long letters to you, and for responding at all. Still, it comes across as condescending and (in my view) insulting.

    My dear, my dear, this is a very tired, familiar song, and it occurs in birth families also. My Dad divorced my mother when I was 5 or 6, and all my siblings disappeared too. I remember on 7th birthday, there was no-one there except my mother. There’s a reason why, but I wasn’t to find out the truth until I was in my mid-30’s. But my siblings tried to keep me out of their lives as much as they could, and made it a point to let me know that if I ever needed any help, they would not do anything for me. They never once said to me, “you’re so smart!”, or “you’re a nice young woman” or anything like that. But what they did keep repeating through the years, is “I don’t have any money” and “Don’t ask me for any money.” After I got to know them in person, it seems all they wanted to talk about was how expensive everything is, and how they didn’t have any money. My husband, if i remember correctly mentioned how odd that they kept repeating this, even though their standard of living was obviously much higher than ours – he thought it was strange, as did I. The truth is, I would find out after years of therapy, that they felt guilty about what they had done to me. They kicked me out of the family at age 5. I was not adopted, so I cannot pretend to understand an adoptee’s feelings. I do know what it’s like to be disowned at an early age, though, and forever be treated as an unwanted member of the family. Well my Dad and siblings never apologized for anything, and this behavior was to keep me at bay – the skeleton in the closet. At the tender age of 37 I decided to get rid of them, and for the first time ever, I have enjoyed peace of mind on that front. I hope that at some point, that peace of mind is available for you – As I said on FMF awhile ago, everything that has happened speaks A TON of volumes about your character, sense of compassion and decency, which towers over that of your father. I have tremendous respect for you, your are articulate and a good writer, and you have done well for yourself, through your own independent efforts and the love of your husband.

    I must let my husband use the computer, so I will go. But I wish a happy and peaceful Easter to you and your husband and children! I have more to say on another post of yours, but now is not the time, maybe next week.

    • That you for your kind comments! I was taken aback when my father said he was having ‘”the worst time of his life” too!

      I would think things were bad when he had to give away his newborn child, but i guess that wasn’t as bad as being old, poor and sick.

      I must admit, my nickname for him is S**mb*g. Fill in the blanks. He’s a lousy, self centered piece of crap. Did I mention he had a full face lift? My mother was so mad at him then. She screamed, “how did you have money to do that, but you can’t find our daughter”, I think he used part of his inheritance when his father died in 2009, just a few months before i found my family. His face might be tight, but his creepy old man hands give him away. I’m sure the high school girls he chases know he’s old as f**k.

      I don’t understand people. I’m sorry about your family too. It seems to be very easy for some men to forget their children exist.

  • M, it’s also unfortunate that your father chose to play the “well, at least you weren’t aborted” card. I pity parents who do this, as it is pathetic – there’s no other word – an attempt to be manipulative – a failed attempt in my view – and shows a lack of character, maturity and compassion on their part. If their child doesn’t already hate them, comments like this are sure to guarantee that they will NOW hate them!, and it makes the parents look very bad. I guess that’s how your dad sees it, but it doesn’t make him look good. Just my opinion.

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