When the **** hit the fan, and how I felt

Published September 9, 2013 by maryleesdream

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When my mother lashed out at me the first time, I didn’t expect it.  She called me “Little Miss Fu****ng Know It All”, because I suggested that there must have been a memory erasing cloud hovering around the island when I was born.  No one seems to remember a thing.

At first I thought she texted me by accident.  I texted back, “Mom, it’s me, Girlie”, but she knew who I was.  She meant it for me.  I didn’t know why my own dear mother, who I loved so much would treat me that way.

I tried to ignore her words, but they hurt me terribly.  I felt an actual physical pain when I read them, a pain that took my breath away.  It was late at night, and my mother was at a party with her friends.  She had been drinking.  I tried to reason away her behavior.  I went to bed feeling like I had been kicked in the head.  I was confused and dizzy.  I couldn’t imagine how I was going to get through the night, but I did.

It wasn’t the first sign that things weren’t really OK, but I wanted them to be, so I pushed aside the bad feeling I had.  My bio cousin, Piggy had given me her email address at our reunion luncheon.  I waited awhile, then emailed her, asking if she knew anything about my relinquishment.  Piggy is  one year younger than me, and she became the first grandchild when I was kicked out of the tribe.  Her mother is Aunt Matriarch, the keeper of family secrets.  The apple didn’t fall too far from the tree with my cousin.

I thought since we were so close in age that we would have things in common.  I actually thought that my family felt that my adoption was wrong.  I didn’t know that they actually felt it was right.  At 48 years old I still had a lot to learn about family.

Cousin Piggy told me that my parents had some issues, and that she had heard that I died at birth when she was a child.  I asked her why her mother didn’t invite me to her wedding, and Piggy told me that “no one would think that you wanted to be included”.  Despite the fact that I searched for my family, and we had a big reunion luncheon 2 months before the wedding.  I’m the first grandchild in the family, and they had no idea I’d like to be included?  WTF!!!

She also told me that, “just because we’re cousins, it doesn’t mean that we’ll be friends”.  Lovely.  She didn’t even know me!  Why on earth would she come out with that comment, right off the bat?  I still can’t understand.  She blasted me pretty good, telling me that I should feel sorry for my father, because he had to bear the pain of abandoning me all alone, without the support of his family.  She informed me that adoption saved many children from horrible lives.  We went back and forth in emails for awhile, but things just went form bad to worse.  She told me her mother had enough sorrow in her life, and I should leave her alone.  She ended by telling me that I didn’t know her, and she would never stop trying to get to know me.

That was over 2 years ago, and I’ve never heard from her again.

I told my mother what Piggy had said, and Mom told me that Piggy was right, and I had no right to bother her.  I couldn’t believe a mother would not stick up for her flesh and blood, but I didn’t really know my mother.  I didn’t know her true feelings about me.  I hadn’t learned yet that actions speak louder than words .

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6 comments on “When the **** hit the fan, and how I felt

  • If you read about how triggering recalling the trauma a mother goes through back then, the stigma, the coercion, shock treatments & drugs to try to MAKE us forget, not to mention the fracturing of our psyches. Read what happened to women in the baby scoop era and you might have some compassion. A page: Adoptee Restoration might help you understand better from an adoptee that gets it.

  • My heart aches for you. I too know rejection. My bio-mother, her sister, and my youngest bio-brother have opened the door and slammed it shut. My other biological brother stood up for me and told this family to piss off. He said “that is my sister and she’s going to be in my life.” He’s kept his word for 8 years. He is my hero. Being unwanted is still incredibly painful.

  • Contain me? I think not… proud escapee….
    [Historical adoption quotes from the same source. *Note: Oh… but they claim we wanted to surrender our babies? I think not.]

    “…our growing knowledge and accompanying shift in attitude has brought about an increase in the number of children separated from their mothers and placed in adoptive homes. We must not ignore the fact that one of the predominate factors which determine this constellation of attitudes is society’s condemnation of unmarried motherhood and illegitimacy.”

    “[About a maternity home experience:] “Several times she found that girls had broken into the basement lockers, taken their street clothes, and were ready to walk out with their babies. Mrs. Proskauer was usually able to control them…”

    “[The 1942 regulations of a maternity shelter… ‘Obedience to those in authority is absolutely required… All correspondence passing in and out of the Home is under the inspection of the Matron or one of her assistants.”

    “‘I began to realize why Mrs. Proskauer had laid such emphasis on management of the girls, and had even mentioned, when showing me the basement, that it was often ‘necessary’ to lock a girl in there to meditate.’”

    “‘More serious even than their outbursts, was their quiet weeping in corners.’”

    THE UNMARRIED MOTHER IN OUR SOCIETY, A Frank and Constructive Approach To An Age-Old Problem, Sara B. Edlin (1954) [Courtesy of the Baby Scoop Era Research Initiative, babyscoopera.com

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