My Mother

Published September 8, 2013 by maryleesdream

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This topic is so big, and so painful.  

My mother played a starring role in my life, even though I didn’t meet her until I was 48 years old.  That’s not exactly true, I met her the day I was born, and she cared for me in the hospital for 5 days before she took me to the agency.  I must’ve loved her very much, because her loss destroyed me.  I live, I laugh, I do things everyone else does, but I’m not all there, and I never will be.  When I lost my mother, and entire family I lost a big chunk of myself too.

I longed for her my entire life.  My real mother, who was coming back to take me away from the people I had to live with.  My real mother, who had hands like mine, a face like mine and a heart like mine.

She never came back.  I knew she wasn’t going to, but I always had a spark of hope.  Something to get me through the dark times.  

I pictured my mother in my mind.  My adopter told me she had brown reddish hair, and she was 19 years old and married.  A-mom told me my parents were too poor to keep me.  That sounded reasonable when I was little, but when I grew up I wondered why my father couldn’t get a job, so they could have kept me.  My a-parents were far from rich, and the agency gave me to them.  It was pretty confusing for a little girl.  But I had no choice.  I had to accept it.  I had to eat.  There was nowhere for me to go.  I had to pretend I didn’t have feelings about being adopted, because that made a-mommy mad, and it scared me when a-mommy was mad.  She had a big scary voice, and a big scary face, and I didn’t like to be yelled at, so I learned to just shut up.  Shut up, shut off my feelings.  

When I found my mother, I thought everything was good.  She told me she loved me, and never wanted to give me up.  I shared my feelings with her.  I thought she hurt as much as I did, so we could share our pain at being separated.  I made a mistake.  

I shared too much.  I didn’t realize how she was feeling, because she tried to hide it from me.  One day she broke, and lashed out at me.  I never saw it coming.  I thought she understood me, but it was not the case.  

After that, things were never the same.  

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