A letter I did not send

Published August 5, 2013 by maryleesdream

So I didn’t send this letter.  I did send some like this though, and now I guess I know why my family wants nothing to do with me.  There is a lot of anger in here, and a lot of pain too.  I’ve given up trying to connect, everything I do is wrong.  I will never get any family pictures.  I am just not a good fit for my family

My Dear Aunt Matriarch,

I hope you and your family are well. I’m writing today to follow up on a letter I sent some time ago, maybe a year or so. I’m begging once again for any family photos or heirlooms which you think I deserve. I am the first grandchild of your parents and I am again reduced to begging for scraps from my families table.

This time I have enclosed payment. I can only assume this is what has been holding you back. I have come to realize that my very existence causes pain and embarrassment for my family. The dead baby story was a lot easier on everyone. The pity is, I did survive.

You and yours have hardened your hearts to me, and there is nothing I can do to change that. What I thought family was ,was an illusion, thought up by an orphan girl to try and make sense out of why she was cast out of her only home. I truly believed that blood was thicker than water, and that my family would embrace me when I returned. You did embrace me at first, but I’ve discovered the hard way that actions speak louder than words, and I’ve been excluded from most family events from the start. I will never understand how my own parents could give me away at 5 days old, and how no one stepped up to save me, even those who knew that I lived.

I’ve been told that because my father is your brother, nothing he can do is wrong. If he aborted and abandoned any children, it was for their own good, as my father is always blameless in all things. If I say he was at fault, I’m guilty of saying bad things about your brother, so I must be wrong. This kind of family loyalty is impossible to fight against. I’m dismayed that this loyalty does not extend to me. It must be a wonderful feeling to have such support.

I wonder if your parents would have shunned me also. I’m so sorry that I never got to meet any of my grandparents. I feel cheated by life.

I never became the child of Sassie and Man , a Russian/polish couple. I remained Girlie McIrish, even thought I had to live my life pretending to be someone else. I’m proud of who I am, even if I bring shame to my blood relatives.

I’ve been told that your grandfather, my great grandfather, used to throw rocks at helpless babies. I think the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Maybe that’s how your family stays strong, by shunning outsiders who try and get too close. What tortures me is that I’m an outsider to you, despite being your oldest niece, firstborn on both sides of my family, but welcomed by neither.

I’m just begging for family photos, so my children can know where they came from. Even though my birth certificate has been altered, I want them to know the truth about who they are. Don’t we deserve that much?

I know you’re a Christian woman, can you really be so hard hearted to your orphaned niece, orphaned at the hands of her own parents?

Yes Matriarch,, I was an orphan. The state became my mother and father when my own parents walked away from me. Imagine a life with no family. Never seeing a soul on this earth who shares your blood. It’s a horrible thing to do to a human being. It’s too much to ask a child to live with. Yes, I was adopted, but they were no substitute for my own true family and, they could never take the place of my parents.

Do you really just want me to go away again, so you can pretend I never existed? Do you have no feeling for me, your brothers firstborn? I can’t help it if I was conceived and born during hard times. I was my parents second conception. No one really knows how many children my father abandoned or had aborted. All I know is I’m the only one who survived to come back.

I beg you once again, to have compassion for the creature that I have become, and ease my pain by granting me this one wish, to have family pictures, and maybe something that belonged to my grandparents, even a teaspoon to help ease my pain. You all have each other, I am the one left out in the cold.

Please don’t throw anymore rocks at me, and have pity. I beg you, don’t call out your dogs on me again to put me in my place, and don’t go running to my poor mother to torture her anymore. I’m afraid that when you invited my mother over, and showed her the birthday card I sent to you where I expressed my pain and feeling of betrayal to you, the relationship I had with my mother was destroyed. She hates and fears me now. I’m fairly sure that may have been your intention.

Love, your niece,

Girlie

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